here lies Fall

Can’t believe that the fall colors are fading already. Every year, I am reminded what an amazing God we have that can make a leaf grow a scab, stop producing food, and turn glorious colors. What a miracle!

This fall has been a difficult one. I feel I, like the leaves, have made a scab and stopped producing my own food.  I can only hope that the events of my life this fall will allow my TRUE colors to shine.

My Story

After stumbling upon Donald Miller on twitter and seeing a very funny You Tube video that he posted this morning while on tour promoting his latest book “A Million Miles in a Thousand Years,” I decided that I should just get the book. I’m not usually one who gets into books that have been recommended by someone else, let alone the author. Something about it reminds me of being told I “should read my history/geometry/chemistry/bible study book.” It never felt like a choice, more like a forcing of some sort.

But, as recent events in my life have played out, I’ve decided to do more of the grabbing life by the horns rather than simply watching the fight.

That is precisely what this book is all about.

I started the book this afternoon at about 1:30.  Finished the book at about 6:30. Now, I have always been a fast reader. In 5th grade, I read 20,646 pages over the course of the school year. Fast, however, does not always mean memorable. I often love a book, but when someone asks me what it’s about, either I can’t remember, or it’s about a girl on a quest for love/shoes/freedom… and then we usually know how those books end. I don’t tend to read challenging literature or literature that makes me think. God forbid, I have to think about something. That would get me out of my comfort zone.

On that note, one of my favorite lines from the book:

“The character has to jump into the story, into the discomfort and the fear, otherwise the story will never happen.”

In my humble little existence, I thrive in the corner of consistency and predictability. I live my day to day in pretty much the same way. Get up, go to work, come home, lay around, go to bed. Same thing, day in and day out. What a boring story. Donald’s book challenged me to think about what I will tell God about my life when I sit down with Him. How I will answer His question about what I did with the life He gave me. At this point, I don’t really know what I would say.

Donald Miller also lives in the every day. Or, did. Until he wrote this book and became part of HIS STORY. And his story will go down in the history of his life. He lived. He didn’t watch others live, wishing he could have the gumption that others do. He jumped into the discomfort and the fear, and became a part of His Story. God’s story.

Another poignant part of the story talks about Don’s decision to hike into Machu Picchu, essentially to follow a girl. He was out of shape when he made the decision to go, but decided he would get a trainer and give it his best effort. One of the other travelers, Carlos, said that to get to Machu  Picchu, you needed to take the Inca Trail, which was a much longer, treacherous journey. Someone asked him why the Incas make people take the long way. Carlos said, “Because the emperor knew that the more painful the journey to Machu Picchu, the more the traveler would appreciate the city, once he got there.”

After reflecting on this, Donald says, “The pain made the city more beautiful…. It made me think about the hard lives so many people have had, the sacrifices they’ve endured, and how those people will see heaven differently from those of us who have had easier lives.”

Earlier in the book, Donald talks about how when he writes, his characters take turns that he, the writer, doesn’t necessarily plan for them to take. He says the characters do what they want, regardless of how the writer plans their story. He then likened that to God as our Writer. He has a story for us, and so many times, we want to make our own path, write our own story. Lightbulb moment!!

Other favorite lines:

“The ambitions we have will become the stories we live.”

“There is no conflict a man can endure that will not produce a blessing.”

“He (Victor Frankel) said to me I was a tree in a story about a forest, and that it was arrogant of me to believe any differently. And he told me the story of the forest is better than the story of the tree.”

“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”

“Now I lose track of time and feel as though I’m jumping through the water in the creek, while God is sitting on the shore, pleased at my pleasure.”

“We live in a world where bad stories are told, stories that teach us life doesn’t mean anything and that humanity has no greater purpose. It’s a good calling, then, to speak a better story. How brightly a better story shines. How easily the world looks to it in wonder.”

Donald Miller made the life-changing decision to change his life. In changing his life, it changed mine.

From today on, use me so that I can tell a better story. I will get up off the couch and go write live my story.

Let my life count for nothing less than changing the world. (Thanks, Pete Wilson, for that pearl!!)

Perspective

My life has been absolutely crazy the past few months. Since June, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer, had a double mastectomy, had all of her lymph nodes removed on one side, found out that she has to have chemo, despite all of the lymph nodes and her cat scan coming back negative for any cancer cells, my sister had her bridal shower and got married, my brother and his family moved and then are moving again, my dad found out his heart has an irregular rhythm and it will inevitably need to be shocked at some point. You know, shocked like on Grey’s…. “CLEAR.” yeah. My dog has had an outburst of fleas, I’ve started a new school year, went on medicine that has been a life change in itself for me. Oh, and I’ll be 30 in a week.  My attitude has not been the best. I feel like I complain about all of these things going on and my obvious incapability to manage it all. But do I ask for help? Nope.

When people ask me about mom, I reply, but it doesn’t feel like I’m talking about my mother. It feels like I’m talking about someone else’s mom. She starts chemo next week. I have no idea what she’ll look like the next time I see her.I don’t know if I want to know how SHE truly feels. I need her to be happy. I’m worried about falling apart. But I don’t ask for help for her. I’m far away from my family. Essentially, I’m alone in this world. I don’t have a husband to talk to about these things. I can’t really tell my family how I feel because they are all vulnerable and on edge. I can’t say something that would make it worse for them. My friends don’t want to hear about it all the time. So I act all hopeful and positive.

This school year has been very rough as well. I’m feeling more and more pressure to do a good job, when in reality, I’m not even able to do my job. I can’t TEACH. I have to worry about teaching kids HOW TO WASH THEIR HANDS, how to treat a friend, how to be a listener, how to try their best. These are things that are not in the standards. But some of their parents aren’t teaching them these basic things, so I take it upon myself. Without these basic social necessities, our day can be miserable. There is not enough time in the day to fit everything in. I let my kids know that I’m frustrated. It shows on my face and it resounds in my voice. But I haven’t asked for help.

When I tell people all that’s been going on, they say, “I’m praying for you.” I am so thankful for them. But it makes me realize that I’M not praying for me. I’m not asking for help. Not for my mom, not for my dad, not for my brother.

Last week, I decided I can’t DO it. I can’t control ANYTHING in this life.

It took someone telling me that I was different and that I was on edge and that my personality that she loved was gone. I’ve been overwhelmed and everyone asks how I am and I say, “good.” Apparently, I’m a liar. This has not been a good 5 months. But, my life is not tragic. I can have help if I ask for it. God does give us more than we can handle so that we realize that we CAN’T DO IT ALL. After that friend told me that I had changed, my perspective changed. I threw up my hands and said,” I can’t do it. I need help.” And my attitude changed. It was like a light switch. I imagine God was thinking, “well, finally.”

There are people in this world whose mothers have died from things far worse that breast cancer. Those mothers didn’t have doctors who could save their lives.

There are people who don’t have a job.

There are people whose husbands are leaving, screaming, abusing.

There are people who walk through this life going through things that are so much worse than what I’ve been through.

But they’ve asked for help, and they realize that these challenges in our life shape and make who we are and who we are to be. It takes a mountain of craziness for me to finally say, “I can’t do it.” And then God moves  the mountain.

Through this battle of cancer, I’ve realized what empathy is. Before, I never knew what to say when someone told me unimaginable news. But now, I can pray for them because I know what it’s like. I can be to them what people who have been through it have been for me.

Mom’s lymph nodes came back with no cancer, but she’s still having chemo. Dad’s heart magically started beating normally, no more heart shock. These fleas the dog has, well, that’s a diffferent story. (I HATE THE FLEAS!!) I walked in the Race for the Cure on the other side of the coin this year. Instead of looking around and feeling bad for the people who have had to walk this fight, I was full of HOPE and GRATITUDE.

In my life, God puts people in my path whose situations are worse, who have been through more difficult times, and He shows me the faith that they have. The selflessness that they posess. Their humility to admit that they absolutely know they can’t do it all. And they don’t even pretend to try. God puts people in my path that make me want to be better. A better follower, daughter, sister, friend. Isn’t that what God does? And I don’t even realize it until I give everything to Him and He moves that mountain out of the way. My path is clear again.

“So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”

-Isaiah 41:10

Cancer

The Big C.

It sucks.

When it happens to people you don’t know.

Especially when it happens to the person who is half responsible for you being on this earth.

June 24th. 2009 mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer.

August 27, 2009, TODAY, she had a double mastectomy and began the reconstruction process.

I think this was the scariest day of my life.

I have been dreading this day since we found out in June about the cancer. I was excited that she had the option to have the double so she could just get rid off the cancer once and for all. Then the doctors said that while she was in surgery, they would test the lymph nodes and if they found cancer in there, they would not be able to do the reconstruction and that she would have to have chemo and radiation. this could NOT be happening to my mom.

After having such a wonderful day when Mariah got married, I felt like maybe we got to have that day in case something went terribly bad today. And for the past three weeks, that’s been in the back of my mind. Just this pleading with God to not take my mom away from me, but if He did, at least I would have the BEST memory of her. So happy and carefree. Like I’ve never seen her before. I’d never seen my family so happy. But I really didn’t want that to be it.

The fact that I have no idea what my life has in store is something that I struggle with everyday. I know God has a plan, and I trust in that when it works in my favor. But when it comes to things that I don’t want to happen, I lose my faith that everything is for a purpose.

I had been putting off and putting off how I felt about this whole day, just saving those feelings in a corner of my mind for never. I never wanted to have to deal with the feelings.

This week, just being stressed out from school starting, her surgery, and making decisions for my own life, I feel like I’m just a volcano.

So the surgery was scheduled for noon but she had to be at the hospital at 7:30, I guess so she could sit around and think about what was about to happen. Not good for mom.

All morning I just wanted to throw up but I kept myself busy with the kids, trying not to stare at my phone.

10:00 passed, in two hours she’ll be in surgery.

11:00, in one hour she’ll be in surgery.

11:15, 11:45 and then noon. they are probably wheeling her down now.

12:30, she’s probably lying on a table with 10 hands over her, talking in a language I don’t understand. She’s asleep, but is she scared, is she cold, is she okay??? How is dad? I know he’s probably torn up but too afraid to show it.

And then we wait. For that phone call. It could go either way and that’s what scares me the most. Keep it together, Keep it together.

At 3:10, I’m  standing outside with 40 kids waiting for their parents to get out of their cars, routine procedure, same old day in day out. But I was waiting for this phone call that could change my life FOREVER.

My pocket starts buzzing. Dad cell.

“Hello? Hi Dad!” trying to sound upbeat, my heart is pounding out of my chest, I may throw up.

“Surgery went well. They were able to go ahead with the reconstruction. They didn’t find cancer in the lymph nodes.”

And cue the tearful outbreak. still trying to keep it together, though I know it’s hard for him too.

“Oh, that is so good.” that’s all I could think of to say.

“Alright, well I better get off the phone.” that’s always dad’s subtle way of letting you know he’s done talking.

And cue the hugs and praises and thank yous. I ran into the reading specialist’s arms and lost it. And then I had to sit down instead of pass out.

Thank you God for answering all of the prayers that were sent up to you today about my little, old mom. She’s amazing, though I know you already know that. I’m so thankful that You let us keep her!

Mariah said that she’s been awake, but falling asleep in the middle of her sentences, then waking up and apologizing.

LIFE IS GOOD!!!

first graders are hilarious

Last week was the first week of school. Thought I’d throw in some things I overheard in my first graders’ conversations.

• We were lining up to leave the classroom to go to PE. One boy had his hand up. I went over to him and asked him what he needed. He said he was just “standing like an elephant.” I told him to stand like a BOY so we could go, all the while, snickering under my breath and hoping I could remember this funny story.
• The first day, at dismissal, one boy saw a guy coming and said, “that’s not my dad, he’s not bald enough.”
• I overheard some of the kids talking about whether or not I had “telekinsis.”
• We were playing this online game from the BBC. It was this game where this gopher or something gives you a word and you have to find a rhyming word for him to dig up in the dirt. The word was “cheer.” Apparently, the British find the word “beer” appropriate to put on their website for children. I had 17 kids yelling BEER in my classroom. I immediately said, “oh, they should NOT have this word in here. Good job with your rhyming though, boys and girls!!”

And that’s why first graders are hilarious!

In the Dog House

I’m in love with a guy. His name is Brad. He’s balding and very funny looking to me. But MAN can he train a dog. He has this show, “In the Dog House,” on Animal Planet and it comes on on Saturday nights. It’s the best thing ever. Besides cheese, and pizza, and chocolate covered sunflower seeds.

He is teaching me that my dog is in charge of me. If you know me well, you know that my dog is pretty much my family here in TN. He rules the roost. Well NOT anymore.

In the past year, I’ve tried to cut his toenails maybe twice. He is very difficult. He runs away, hides, pees in the house, whatever he can to get out of getting his nails cut.  I’ve been able to take him to PetCo, but let’s face it. These are hard times people.

Well, Brad has taught me that his screaming at the top of his little lungs and trying to get away is just him trying to exert his dominance over me.

The nail cutting is the worst. But aside from that, he jumps on people, barks at people, walks in front of me, runs away from me, he doesn’t respect me,   I could go on and on.

I would love for him to not jump on people when they come over. I would love for him to be able to stay next to me without a leash on a walk. I would love for him to listen when I talk. Just a general obedience would be wonderful.

I’ve been working with him and he is slowly giving up his control. He doesn’t get on the couch, he lets me lead him, for the most part, on our walks.

I worked with Carter for about 35 minutes tonight. I got him to walk next to me rather than lead me. I got him to sit while I walked away and he came to me when I called him. Granted, I didn’t walk very far and a couple of times he got distracted by some bushes, but he eventually would come to me.

When we got home from our walk, I CUT HIS NAILS!!! BOO YAH!  I got him in the corner, made him stay. And he did.  He actually ended up giving me his paw.

I only made it to the front paws.  I was worn out by the time I got to the back ones. Dog needs a haircut. Hard to cut his tonails with all that hair. I ried to get the back ones, but he won that fight, ran off, and got sent to his crate. He’s probably fast asleep by now. I put that boy to WORK.

And tomorrow, it’s back on. Training kids, not so hard. Training a dog, I should be getting paid. Ugghh.

Weddingy

Last night was quite possibly the best night of my life. My family was all in the same room, laughing, dancing, crying, celebrating, loving. We were celebrating love.

My BABY, and she loathes when I call her that, sister got married yesterday. The ceremony was in their front yard. It was a beautiful, albeit hot, day and it was a great time.

I realized yesterday that love IS the most important thing. If you have love, then what do you lack?

For the first time in a long time, I was sad to leave home. Home is where my heart is.

Here are some pictures of the day.

one

Pastor Pete gave the most amazing sermon on Sunday. I think that in the 2 and a half years that I’ve been attending the church, it’s my favorite sermon. I’m glad that I was at the 1030 service, because when he finished, and it was all I could do to stay seated and not stand up and start clapping, someone started clapping. And I proudly joined in.

You see, Pete is a kid at heart. He dreams like a child, he has faith like a child.  I’ve always felt that same childlike spirit in myself. It may be because I’m naiive, but I like to think that it’s becuase I really believe that in the end, good overcomes evil. I look for the good in life rather than finding the bad first. I have a good attitude until someone says something that changes my attitude. It is very hard to just be myself in this crazy life when everyone is trying to get ahead of you by first bringing you down.

I’ve been watching a lot of Disney movies lately, thanks to Krista, and I’ve realized why they are such a part of our culture. We know how the movie starts, we know there’s a villan, we know that in the end, everything will end “happily ever after” and it’s comforting to know that there is that happy ending.  As kids, we have that faith, that we can do anything, that life is great and wonderful and that there is no badness in the world.  It’s only when other people tell us we can’t do something that we start to lose that faith. Reality kicks in, the reality of adults or naysayers. I feel like with faith,  if we do what we’re supposed to do, if we pray like we’re told to do, if we live the way we’ve been taught, then life will end up “happily ever after.” It’s when we allow the ideas of others, essentially, Satan, seep into our own thoughts, they take over, and we can’t live that dream that we once had.

Because of other conversations that have taken place in my life in the past two weeks, I have more confidence in myself. That alone, I’m not alone. That I can do anything. Pete’s message on Sunday just reaffirmed that. We can do anything that we set our minds to. We just have to have FAITH like a child. We can’t let Satan seep in and take away our dreams. We already know that God’s dreams for us are bigger than we can even dream for ourselves. With that mindset, we should dream as big as our minds will allow, and let God take care of the rest.

So yes Pete, one person can change the world.

One dream can change the world.

One church can change the world.

My childlike faith has been restored.

Tomorrow is a new day and I can’t wait to see what dreams God has in store.

why I don’t eat fish

The other day, I got home from work. It may have been about 3:30. The usual. Go inside, put stuff down, get the dog, take him out. So we walk outside and he starts sniffing something at the bottom of the 3 cement stairs at my place. I look at it. It looks like a fish head. GET AWAY FROM THE FISH HEAD!!!

I walk closer.

It IS A FISH HEAD!! REALLY, GET AWAY FROM THE FISH HEAD, CARTER!

We walk across to the parking lot to use the bathroom. Him, not me. I have a fear of peeing in public. You can get fined for that!

As I stand there waiting for him to do his business, I’m wondering to myself, “Who do I even give this information to? That there’s a FISH HEAD on the ground??”

Cue Maintenence Man.

“Hi, who do I tell if there’s a FISH HEAD on the ground over there? I think my dog was about to eat it.”

“A fish head?”

“Yeah, with scales and an eye looking at me.”

“Well, that’d be me. I’ve picked up squirrels and mice, but never a fish head.”

“Well, he’s over there laying on the ground.”

“Yep, that’s a fish head alright. Probably some people just skinning the fish for dinner. Maybe it was in the trash and it fell out.”

I don’t care WHERE the FISH HEAD came from, just get it OUT of here! EWWWW…..

He picked it up with his garbage grabber and went about his business.

I thanked him for doing what he does, picking up fish heads off the ground.

So, here’s the lesson to learn boys and girls.

If you see a FISH HEAD on the ground outside your house, just call the maintenence guy to come pick it up with his garbage grabber.

Why does the weird stuff always happen to me?

Fish heads, butter knife stabbings, rude track runners, recycling bin attacks….

OBSESSION!

I have a new obsession… Word Challenge. People were always talking about it on Facebook so I thought I’d look into it… and now.

I.

can’t.

stop.

It’s this game where you are given 6 letters that can be rearranged to make one long word and you have to find smaller words within the big words. You get extra points if you find words with 4 or more letters, and if you find the big word, then you get the bonus round where you have to rearrange letters to spell a friend’s name. Also, you play against your other friends. So you could be at work, not thinking about the game at all, and then when you LOG ON, you find that your friends have BEAT your score. So then you  are FORCED to sit in front of the game for hours on end until you beat them back.

Maybe that’s not everyone.

I guess it’s fortunate that I don’t have a husband to feed or a child to put to bed.  Oh the life of a single girl! It does have it’s perks.

I love this game except for the fact that some of the words that you can make are words i have NEVER seen. I’m a teacher, we use a lot of words. Small words. It shouldn’t be that hard. Plus also, now I’m second guessing if words I say are actual words. Would Word Challenge call them words? Is “beaten” a word? Seriously…i can’t remember.

Here’s the other thing. I wake up in the middle of the night rearranging letters in my head. I wake up, turn over, and count letters on my fingers. OUT LOUD. IN MY SLEEP! I rearrange traffic signs, words on commercials, random words I think about. All the time. When I’m teaching, when I’m in the shower, when I’m going to the bathroom. When I’m desperately TRYING TO GET TO SLEEP… that’s when it’s the worst!

Another thing, just to throw in for good measure.

I went out on Valentine’s Day. To a nice dinner. And a movie. And upon arrival, I was given flowers. Roses. A dozen. I’ve never gotten a dozen roses before. It was so nice!

So I may not be so single, but I do have enough “me time” to bust out some WORDS!

And now I must go check and see if anyone has beaten my score (yes, beaten is a word, at least it fits here in this instance… nope beaten still doesn’t look right. Help me out on this one!)

This is slightly scary!